Jokes and Puns

Discussion in 'General Off-Topic' started by WentwardB60, Nov 21, 2018.

  1. Alex_Farmer557

    Alex_Farmer557
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    two dwarves walk under a bar
    it's a pretty short joke
     
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  2. Cutlass

    Cutlass
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    look at this naked pic
     
  3. Alex_Farmer557

    Alex_Farmer557
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    A pair of great tits

    upload_2019-5-8_9-49-53.jpeg
     
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  4. SubaruSTI07™

    SubaruSTI07™
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    Hey do you wanna play VW Golf?
    Yea VW Golf sounds good. _726.jpg
     
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  5. rottenfitzy

    rottenfitzy
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    Shamelessly ripped from CT
    E8209A8A-B3D7-45F9-91EE-C5244B7FE51A.jpeg
     
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  6. MrAnnoyingDude

    MrAnnoyingDude
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    A man is standing on the edge of a roof, about to jump. Another one is watching him. A passerby comes and asks the man on the ground "Go and help him, he is going to jump!"

    The man on the ground says: "Don't worry. He is a stuntman, this is a trick", so the passerby stays to watch him.

    Then comes another passerby. After asking them to stop the jumper, he receives the same reply as the previous passerby and stays to watch. The situation repeats a few times until there is a crowd watching the jumper.

    Finally, the man on the roof jumps. However, nothing special happens, and he dies on impact.

    The first man on the ground says "Lyin' suicidal son of a bitch! He told me he was a stuntman!"
     
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  7. GotNoSable!

    GotNoSable!
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    Nobody:
    Not a soul:
    Nobody on this earth:
    Me: CatJuul.png
     
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  8. MrAnnoyingDude

    MrAnnoyingDude
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    Sex is like a drug.

    You have to go to the shady part of town at night in order to buy it.
     
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  9. cookies and milk

    cookies and milk
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    2 germans walk into a BAR.


    They died.
     
  10. MrAnnoyingDude

    MrAnnoyingDude
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    Why is Steve Winwood late?

    He was stuck in Traffic.
     
  11. MrAnnoyingDude

    MrAnnoyingDude
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    A butcher answers a phone call. The caller asks:
    - Do you have chicken legs?
    -Yes.
    -Do you have a pig head?
    - Yes.
    - Do you have cow ears?
    - Yes.
    - Do you have turkey wings?
    - Yes.

    The caller finally says:
    - Damn, dude, you must look really crazy!
     
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  12. 8IGHT.OINT3HREE

    8IGHT.OINT3HREE
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    I laughed my ass off :rolleyes:
     
  13. Ytrewq

    Ytrewq
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    I've already heard this one in a slightly different form:
    Mother asks her little son to go to the butcher shop and look if he has pig legs. After some time the child returns and says, "Mommy, I couldn't see - the butcher had his shoes on".
     
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  14. KrukasKlep

    KrukasKlep
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    dodge dart smelly fart
     
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  15. MrAnnoyingDude

    MrAnnoyingDude
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    A man is travelling down a desert road when he sees a sign saying "SPEED LIMIT 40". He lowers his speed to 40 MPH.

    Half an hour later, he sees one with the words "SPEED LIMIT 20", so he goes down to 20 MPH.

    Another half an hour passes, and he sees a sign with the words "SPEED LIMIT 10". Surprised, he slowS down to 10 MPH.

    After an hour, he sees a sign saying "WELCOME TO SPEED LIMIT!".
     
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  16. MrAnnoyingDude

    MrAnnoyingDude
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    When I was a kid, my family used to call a spot under a local bridge "Yellow Submarine".

    It was because we all lived there.
     
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  17. 8IGHT.OINT3HREE

    8IGHT.OINT3HREE
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    .....
    OT Here is one
    A man is selling apples. He set up a sign that says "If it's not sweet, you don't pay for it." lots of people went and bought apples.
    A boy walks to the fruit stand and says to the man: "Can you give me five apples that are not sweet, sir? I don't have any money."
     
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  18. urbanestdog45

    urbanestdog45
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    oof, Browning Automatic Rifle
     
  19. Ytrewq

    Ytrewq
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    A man's car breaks down on a road. As he is looking under the hood, a small boy appears and says, "I know what's broken!". The driver tells the boy to leave him alone, which the boy does. Everything in the engine bay appears fine. The driver tries to start the car again and fails. The boy returns and says the same thing again, only to get told off. During the next half an hour, the driver keeps examining his car and reading the manual, trying to solve the problem while being constantly interrupted by the boy who claims he knows what's broken. Finally, the driver gives up. He runs after the boy (who has decided to leave due to his help being rejected so many times) and asks, "I see you have a good knowledge of cars. Could you please tell me what's broken?". The much pleased boy smiles and proclaims, "Your car!"
     
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  20. MrAnnoyingDude

    MrAnnoyingDude
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    Off The Offspring's Facebook account.
     

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