Jokes and Puns

Discussion in 'General Off-Topic' started by WentwardB60, Nov 21, 2018.

  1. Instant Winrar

    Instant Winrar
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    What do you call it when you tickle someone with a dill pickle?

    A dill tickle.
     
  2. WentwardB60

    WentwardB60
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    Lol!
    Thanks so much for sharing! ;)

    BTW: I like your really high avatar pic! :)
     
  3. redrobin

    redrobin
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    A ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for a drink.

    The bar tender looks at the sandwich and says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A monk, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

    The monk leaves with a book, the priest with Little Timmy, and the rabbi the tip jar.

    The bar tender is left with no menus, a search warrant, and his rent unpaid come Tuesday.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    To establish once and for all that chickens can, indeed, walk on asphalt, and that the aforementioned chicken is a strong, independent Hen who don't need no Rooster.
     
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  4. WentwardB60

    WentwardB60
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    lol! ;)
    Those're some really quality jokes!
    Thanks for sharing! :)
     
  5. MrAnnoyingDude

    MrAnnoyingDude
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    5:06 AM - I find a dead body on the corner of Main St. and Park Ave. and notify a CSI unit.

    5:06 AM - The CSI unit arrives.

    5:06 AM - The CSI unit starts collecting samples at the crime scene.

    5:06 AM - I notice my watch has stopped.
     
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  6. WentwardB60

    WentwardB60
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    So funny! Thanks so much for sharing! :)
     
  7. MrAnnoyingDude

    MrAnnoyingDude
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    Pun rock.
     

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  8. WentwardB60

    WentwardB60
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    Lol!! :D
     
  9. hugotronix04

    hugotronix04
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    I have one:
    People think they the word 'queue' is a 'q' followed by 4 silent letters.
    Those letters aren't silent... They are just waiting for their turn
     
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  10. rottenfitzy

    rottenfitzy
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    0DA9E485-E625-48C5-B5AE-1095CA323BF9.jpeg
     
  11. Ytrewq

    Ytrewq
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    After their yacht has sunk, three friends end up on an uninhabited island. While looking for food and water, they find a sealed ancient jug. When they open the jug, a genie appears from it and offers to grant a wish for each one of them. The first guy says he wants to go home. The genie instantly teleports him to his home. The second one says the same and also gets teleported. The third one looks around and says, "I feel so sad and lonely now. I want my friends to be here with me".
     
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  12. hugotronix04

    hugotronix04
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  13. rottenfitzy

    rottenfitzy
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    ...
     
  14. WentwardB60

    WentwardB60
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    Lol
     
    #114 WentwardB60, May 6, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2019
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  15. redrobin

    redrobin
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    A man's car breaks down in the middle of a snow storm.

    While searching for help he finds a temple. The man knocks on the door and an old monk comes and greets him

    Man: Hay can you please help, my car broke down in the middle of the snow storm

    Monk: Yes of course please come in

    The man enters the temple and is given food, water and a change of clothes.

    When night comes the man tries to sleep but is interrupted with a loud noise coming from inside the temple.

    In the morning the snow storm had passed

    Before the man left he thanked the monk for his kindness, but he had one question

    Man: What was that loud noise in the middle of the night

    Monk: I would tell you but you're not a monk

    The man is respectful and leaves it at that

    One year later

    Once again in the exact same spot at the exact same time the man's car breaks down

    The man finds the temple again and is given food, water, and a change of clothes

    Once night comes the man tries to sleep, but once again he is interrupted by a loud noise, even louder than before

    In the morning the snow storm had passed, and once again the man had a question

    Man: what was that noise in middle of the night

    Monk: I would tell you but you're not a monk

    Man: how do I become a monk

    Monk: you must count every rock and grain of sand in the world

    Man: I'll do it

    And so the man set off on his journey and comes back 30 years later

    Man: I have finally done it. There are a total of 548,638,138,643 rocks and 795,632,483,167,890 grains of sand in the world

    Monk: Congratulations you have now become a monk

    Man: May I learn what that noise is now

    Monk: Come with me

    The monk leads the man to a brass door, he opens it and it leads to a silver door, he opens that and it leads to a gold door

    Finally what that man found was very much worth the 30 years it took him. It was the most magnificent thing he had ever seen in his life

    Are you ready to learn what that man saw?

    I would tell you but you aren't a monk
     
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  16. WentwardB60

    WentwardB60
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    *counts all the rocks and sand grains in the world*

    lol by the way, great joke, thanks for sharing!
     
  17. Alex_Farmer557

    Alex_Farmer557
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    How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

    Ask them how they say unionised
     
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  18. GotNoSable!

    GotNoSable!
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    A horse walks into a bar
    The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
    The horse says "Alcoholism is tearing my family apart."
     
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  19. Alex_Farmer557

    Alex_Farmer557
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    two men walk into a bar
    one says to the other
    "did you not see it either?"
     
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  20. GotNoSable!

    GotNoSable!
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    Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.
    Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for the rest of his life.
    Beat a man to death with a fish, his gravestone'll be fucking hilarious.
     
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