A ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for a drink. The bar tender looks at the sandwich and says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A monk, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The monk leaves with a book, the priest with Little Timmy, and the rabbi the tip jar. The bar tender is left with no menus, a search warrant, and his rent unpaid come Tuesday. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why did the chicken cross the road? To establish once and for all that chickens can, indeed, walk on asphalt, and that the aforementioned chicken is a strong, independent Hen who don't need no Rooster.
5:06 AM - I find a dead body on the corner of Main St. and Park Ave. and notify a CSI unit. 5:06 AM - The CSI unit arrives. 5:06 AM - The CSI unit starts collecting samples at the crime scene. 5:06 AM - I notice my watch has stopped.
I have one: People think they the word 'queue' is a 'q' followed by 4 silent letters. Those letters aren't silent... They are just waiting for their turn
After their yacht has sunk, three friends end up on an uninhabited island. While looking for food and water, they find a sealed ancient jug. When they open the jug, a genie appears from it and offers to grant a wish for each one of them. The first guy says he wants to go home. The genie instantly teleports him to his home. The second one says the same and also gets teleported. The third one looks around and says, "I feel so sad and lonely now. I want my friends to be here with me".
A man's car breaks down in the middle of a snow storm. While searching for help he finds a temple. The man knocks on the door and an old monk comes and greets him Man: Hay can you please help, my car broke down in the middle of the snow storm Monk: Yes of course please come in The man enters the temple and is given food, water and a change of clothes. When night comes the man tries to sleep but is interrupted with a loud noise coming from inside the temple. In the morning the snow storm had passed Before the man left he thanked the monk for his kindness, but he had one question Man: What was that loud noise in the middle of the night Monk: I would tell you but you're not a monk The man is respectful and leaves it at that One year later Once again in the exact same spot at the exact same time the man's car breaks down The man finds the temple again and is given food, water, and a change of clothes Once night comes the man tries to sleep, but once again he is interrupted by a loud noise, even louder than before In the morning the snow storm had passed, and once again the man had a question Man: what was that noise in middle of the night Monk: I would tell you but you're not a monk Man: how do I become a monk Monk: you must count every rock and grain of sand in the world Man: I'll do it And so the man set off on his journey and comes back 30 years later Man: I have finally done it. There are a total of 548,638,138,643 rocks and 795,632,483,167,890 grains of sand in the world Monk: Congratulations you have now become a monk Man: May I learn what that noise is now Monk: Come with me The monk leads the man to a brass door, he opens it and it leads to a silver door, he opens that and it leads to a gold door Finally what that man found was very much worth the 30 years it took him. It was the most magnificent thing he had ever seen in his life Are you ready to learn what that man saw? I would tell you but you aren't a monk
A horse walks into a bar The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The horse says "Alcoholism is tearing my family apart."
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for the rest of his life. Beat a man to death with a fish, his gravestone'll be fucking hilarious.
